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What to say to kids about Iraq images
By Barbara Meltz, Globe Staff, 5/13/2004 While the war in Iraq may not be a big blip on many children's radar screens, one or another of the horrific images coming out of the country probably will be. Children tend to pay attention to news events only when there is something salient for them. From the hoods and leashes to the beheading, there is unfortunately something almost every child will glom onto, no matter what his or her stage of development. Consider the already infamous photo of Army Private First Class Lynndie England holding a leash attached to the neck of a naked Iraqi prisoner. This photo, in particular, leaps out at 4- to 6-year-olds, because the information it contains is so contrary to what they know. Leashes go around dogs, not people. Nakedness is private, not public. What's going on? If your children are under 11, the single best thing you can do to protect them in the coming weeks is to keep newspaper and television images from them, says Harvard University psychologist Dan Kindlon of Sudbury, author of "Tough Times, Strong Children: Lessons From the Past for Your Child's Future." Even so, it's not safe to assume that children won't be exposed. Here's how it might break down: Preschoolers: Not every preschooler will see images from Iraq, but every one who does will have questions, even if they don't pose them, says Wisconsin psychologist Joanne Cantor, one of the nation's leading researchers on the media and children's fears. Rather than ask outright, "Have you seen this picture?" she would watch for clues in behavior. The single scariest images at this age are probably the photos of prisoners wearing hoods and electrodes. If you're seeing increased clinginess or bad dreams, she would assume that's what it's from. With that or any change in behavior in mind, she would ask, "Have you seen anything on TV that frightened you?" If yes: "What scares you most?" Without that question, Kindlon says, parents tend to over-explain, which can make children more fearful. Their worry is likely to be very concrete: "Could this happen to me or Mommy or Daddy?" Be as reassuring as possible: "I'm glad you told me. A lot of people get frightened by the news. Everyone in our family is safe." Six- to 9-year-olds. The nudity is what these children are most likely to pay attention to, not for the titillation factor but because it's so unusual. Psychologist Ray Lorion of the University of Pennsylvania wouldn't be surprised if children play good guy/ bad guy with a naked bad guy. If you walk in on it, stay calm: "I've never seen you play this before. Where did you get the idea?" If it's from a photo, he might tell them, "I saw that, too. That was a terrible thing for people to do to each other. It's not the way people should behave, and it's not a way for you to play." Ditto if your children put leashes on each other. By 9, it's possible a child will say, "Yeah, but they're the bad guys. They deserve it." "If parents let this go, the message children take away is that heroic American forces are doing good for the world and it doesn't matter how they do it," says Michael Rich, pediatrician and director of the Center on Media and Child Health at Children's Hospital. If that's not the message you want to send, he suggests saying, "People sometimes do terrible things in war, but even in war this is not excusable." Ten to 13-year-olds. The beheading may capture some boys. Those who play violent video games may want to watch a clip on the Web. Rather than forbid it, try saying: "It might be more upsetting than you expect. Once you see a picture, especially of a real person, it's hard to get it out of your mind." That's more likely to help them get them away from thrill-seeking, Cantor says. If you find out about it after the fact, your son is more desensitized than you realized. Let him know how upset you are about the beheading but avoid labeling him as evil for watching it. That will shut him down. "It's more important to engage him in conversation: `How did it make you feel, knowing that was someone's brother and son, not a video character?' " Adolescents. By 13, Rich advises parents to raise the subject. "If you don't talk about the images, it leaves them wide open to other people's interpretations. It also tells them that you don't think it's out of the ordinary enough to be worth talking about. It normalizes the behaviors." Teenage boys are most likely to be talking about the soldiers' sexual abuse of prisoners, particularly the way naked bodies were stacked. Girls may be revolted by England's involvement. Lorian urges parents to have conversations about the modest values of Muslim culture, about the morality of military mentality, and about whether this is appropriate behavior, even in wartime. Children who have a history of trauma or loss are the most vulnerable. "It brings it all back to them, and then some," Kindlon says, because children are reprocessing it from a new cognitive perspective. These children may benefit from professional help. This story ran on page D1 of the Boston Globe on 5/13/2004. |
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